A colonel who is also a bastard.
The beginning of some serious shit.

So my former landlord called today. 

He told me that not only is he keeping my entire security deposit, but that I apparently caused so much damage to the apartment that he will require additional funds to effect repairs. 

This… is impossible.  So I asked for specifics. 

I left a stain on the stovetop.  

So he is replacing the entire stove.  

There were some scratches in the kitchen sink.  

So he is replacing the entire sink.  

Wait a minute. 

THIS FUCKER IS REMODELING THE APARTMENT

AND HE WANTS ME TO PAY FOR IT

NOT OKAY.  

REALLY NOT OKAY. 

I hung up in a daze to process this unnecessary turn of events. 

First came the panic and despair. 

Then came the anger. 

You better brace yourself, Landlord.  

You’ve never seen me angry. 

You’ve never seen me when I’ve been slighted. 

You don’t know that my deepest, fiercest anger is directed at people who try to take advantage of other people. 

You don’t even know. 

You think I’m gonna send you a check?  For more money? 

When this is over, you’re gonna be sending me a motherfucking check. 

Hey, Landlord. 

It’s on.